Issue 2 – Tampon Rapper

Grace was tired of rapping into her tampon. She wanted a microphone and a stage. But they would come at a price. A price she couldn’t afford. All types of dollars she never heard of.

She wanted to get noticed so bad she had her esophagus encrusted in diamonds. She would be hot if it wasn’t for the one diamond being placed slightly too close to another diamond. Other than that a complete TKO.

There was a rap battle coming up at the local whatever so she planned on training to win. On the day of the battle she showed up with her diamond encrusted esophagus and noticed they had both a stage and a microphone. It was like a daydream come true. She knew she had arrived somewhere.

When it was her turn to battle she totally wasted this other MC. After she won she shoved the microphone in her vagina. Everyone looked horrified.

“I’m  sorry. That’s just something I’m used to doing,” she said.

That night the lights really glistened off of Grace’s diamond encrusted esophagus. The skies parted and birds pooped on her head. But she done herself proud.

Issue 2 – So Thirsty

“You’re always all up in my face with that Aquafina Betsy! I’m not thirsty. I don’t want quenching sensations right now.” Fred was angry at Betsy for shoving Aquafina in his face during their mouth breathing hour of television watching.

“Well, Fred I’m just trying to be helpful. It looks so dry in there. You’re gonna get sandpaper tongue,” Betsy said. She was such a sweet old lady always caring about Fred and his orifices.

“I’m tired of your heart being so big. Can we do a reverse Grinch on you?” Fred asked curiously.

“I don’t think so, honey. Here take a shot of Aquafina off my old lady cleavage. It tastes better,” said Betsy. Fred did and it tasted like moth balls and cock socks.

Issue 2 – Dicks of Blood Bleeding

Carl just got home from a long hard day at work. As he walked through the front door the lights came on and people jumped out and yelled surprise. It was Carl’s twenty-first birthday and all his friends gathered to celebrate.

Carl’s wife Debbie said, “Happy Birthday guy. You’re getting a dang vasectomy.”

“Uh…What? When?” Carl asked.

“Now,” Debbie said.

Carl began to run and then someone screamed, “Stun him!” Carl was taken down with a stun gun and people began to line up with their scalpels in hand to participate in the vasectomy.

“I’ll start,” Debbie said.

She made a slight incision, and then licked the blood off the scalpel as she made way for the next participant. But suddenly people began arguing over who would go next. The argument quickly got out of control as everyone began stabbing each other in their respective dicks.

Bodies were flying everywhere. It was a huge vasectomy orgy. Carl took off his Jetsons t-shirt and wrapped his bleeding dingus in it as he began cutting the cake.

“Who wants cake?” Carl inquired.

Slowly everyone’s hands began to raise from the dead. Carl reached over and gave Debbie a kiss on the cheek and whispered in her ear, “I love my vasectomy baby. I can’t wait to use it.”

Issue 1 – The Warrior

The warrior slowly withdrew his sword from his grandfather’s heart. “Grandfather you gave life to someone who gave life to me. Now I must take yours,” said the warrior.

“But you stab me in the heart and end me forever. How could you?” asked the grandfather.

The warrior stood straight up and licked the blood off the sword. “I just saved a hundred dollars by switching to Geico,” the warrior said.

The grandfather with blood pouring out of his mouth uttered his final words, “State Farm…for life…bitch.”

Issue 1 – Hammer Time

Everyone stood frozen in time staring up into the sky as nails rained down from above. The ocean had begun spewing out nails right after the series finale of ‘Lost’. As if to say, “I’m way better than that island,” or “Here’s a fucking mystery for you.”

Thirty seconds later it became quite apparent just how enchanted the onlookers were by the rust cascading through the atmosphere that they were now attached to the pavement like shingles on a roof.

This phenomenon sparked the invention of the back hammer part. Before that, rescue teams had a trained K-9 unit that would attempt to gnaw the body parts away from the nails. Many people were buried looking like the victim of a vicious dog attack, but the viewer would be much the wronger. For the dogs were like guardian angels. Guardian angels that chew the shit out of human flesh nailed to the pavement.

As beautiful as this story sounds, all in all it was still a bad day for surfing.

Issue 1 – Hector vs. A Giant vs. A Prostitute

Hector woke up in the middle of a field with his face bombarded with flies. As he tried to shake them off a giant foot stomped next to him and the owner was like, “Thou shalt not pass!”

Hector jumped up and looked for the prostitute he drug out to the field. She was nowhere to be found. Either she rose from the dead or Hector did a bad job playing let’s kill a ho. No matter what, it was going to lead to trouble. The giant shoved his foot in Hector’s face and demanded he smell it. The toe jam was stuck in the giant’s toe hair and bits and pieces flew about as Hector tried to push away the giant toe.

Suddenly, over the hill a white horse could be seen making its way over to Hector and the giant. As the horse came closer it became clear that the one on horseback was the prostitute.
Her face was covered in blood and sperm. One eye lay dangling out of its socket. Her clothes were torn from her body and barely covered an inch of her skin.

The giant was taken back by the sight of a half dead prostitute riding a horse. The white horse was slowly turning red from the blood dripping from the prostitute’s face that was badly battered from Hector. Unrecognizable she might as well have been a zombie.

Hector was pissed and wanted to finish what he started but the prostitute had other plans. As her horse drew nearer she reached down with her right hand and grabbed Hector under the chin. At the same time the horse stepped on Hector’s feet. And with the prostitute’s force pulling upwards Hector’s head quickly separated from his body. The sound alone sent the giant running back into the forests.

Hector’s head now dangles from the rear-view-mirror of the prostitute’s Ford Granada. Today, people think twice before they step into this slut’s car.

Issue 1 – Jessica’s Legs

Jessica couldn’t stand to look at herself in the mirror anymore. It was too unbearable. One day she hoped her legs would grow and catch up to the rest of her body. Her five inch legs looked quite silly all through her teenage years.

“Dang if my legs would just be at their biggest I would be happy,” that’s what she said.

Then she caught a glimpse of a little green man hiding behind her pillow. “Ah Christ ya found me,” he said.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I was gonna hump your legs when you went to sleep tonight to stretch them out for you,” he said.

Jessica was irate and said, “How dare you! Will it work?”

“Oh it will work. I’ve done it before.”

That night there were moans and screams never before heard in the bedroom. Slowly her legs began to expand with each thrust of the little green man’s body. Her life was turning into a magical cesspool.

Finally, after a few years she was the size of a normal teen girl but the little man wouldn’t stop. He became obsessed and every night he humped a little more and more. She became so tall that the locals in her village hunted her down and set her on fire for fear that she was an evil devil monster. Tears.

Issue 1 – The Mustard Colored Polo

Theo was standing there staring at it in the window for what seemed like ages. A mustard colored long sleeve polo with a see through tag, thick collar and sleeves that were warm and bunched up nicely at the wrist.

He would do anything for this shirt, even kill to own it. But kill to own wasn’t an option at this store. He went home eager to talk to anyone about his new obsession.

Suddenly the phone rang and his wife Jill was like, “I’ll get it! Oh wait I can’t my hands are covered in jizz. I mean soap. I always get those two confused.”

So Theo answered the phone and it was the mustard polo. “I saw the way you were looking at me today,” the polo said. “We should be together. I’ll take care of Jill.” Then the line went dead.

The next day Jill broke up with Theo because she fell madly in love with an orange jock strap. Theo died shortly after in a car accident while getting road head from his mustard colored polo.

Issue 1 – Lick This

James was walking the same road for days it seemed. “If that thing shows up on my doorstep again I’m gonna destroy it like how someone would destroy something they don’t like!” James was talking to himself again.

He was approximately 4300 miles from home, and home was approximately 4300 miles from him. Days and months he spent hiking these lovely roads by himself. He slept in ditches and peed on trees, but most of all he licked his lips a lot. So much in fact that his face was like a huge lollipop. But it wasn’t really. People would see him and be like, “Hey I got something for you to lick!” But in reality they didn’t, and all this did was upset James.

One day James, being super hungry, tried to eat a living squirrel monkey. But the squirrel monkey dove at him and bit him ripping his lips off his sad face. The squirrel monkey ran off with the lips and mocked James by licking them from up in his tree. Now, the pain is even worse when James hears, “Hey, I got something for you to lick!”

It’s a cruel world but even James’ phantom lips still need licking. If only the rest of mankind could understand.