One night only, January 11, 2011, the only night Johnny Big Thumb would be in Brad’s hometown. Brad and his buddies had heard about the wonderful Johnny Big Thumb. But all they heard were rumors. They had never seen the Johnny Big Thumb experience in person.
Kids in school told many different stories as to what actually happens when you see Johnny in person. Some folks claim it’s the closest they ever got to experiencing God. Others claim it’s like rubbing pizza sauce all over your body and then making out with a breadstick. In either case Brad and his friends knew it was the moment they waited a longer than normal amount of time for. They decided to wait in line for the 3:07pm show. As they stood in line they watched as others were leaving after experiencing all that was Johnny Big Thumb.
“Oh man it feels like I don’t even have skin anymore!” said one man after his experience.
“Dude, that could be us! We could feel like we don’t have skin!” Brad said to his friends.
“That would be amazing! I always hated the way my skin feels!” one friend responded.
“I never really thought about not having skin,” said another friend.
“You’re stupid! You should be grateful Johnny Big Thumb can give you no skin sensations!” Brad yelled.
Another man ran out after his experience and screamed, ” I should have worn a bra!” and then threw up.
Brad and his friends stared at each other as the man staggered towards them. He tried to steady himself on their shoulders but collapsed as they all spread out. He continued throwing up in the middle of them.
“Don’t go in there! That’s the Devil’s playground! You can’t undo it!” the man cried.
Another man ran out and yelled at the man puking, “Lightweight!”
“I totally hope I throw up like that dude,” Brad said.
“What if it’s too intense and our faces explode or something?” the one friend asked.
“You mean like your sister’s face when I pulled my pants down that time?” Brad asked.
Just then another person ran out and was missing a face.
“Ahh! My stupid face exploded from the intensity!” he yelled.
Brad and his friends were next in line to enter the Johnny Big Thumb experience. The ticket taker stood before them, “You four get in there,” he said.
Brad and his friends entered the room. There was a large stage to the left with a giant curtain pulled across it. A man guided them onto the stage and showed them to their seats. Only they wouldn’t be sitting. They would be laying down on their sides, on top of each other, attached to some strange device.
“This is so sweet!” Brad said.
Johnny Big Thumb took the stage and sat down behind Brad and his friends. Johnny grabbed one end of the device with his left hand and reached over the top of the device with his right hand and slapped Brad in his chest with his enormous thumb.
“This is how I slappa da bass mon!” Johnny Big Thumb said.
Johnny slapped Brad over and over and then alternated between slapping his other friends.
“Slapping da bass! Slapping da bass mon!” Johnny yelled.
His huge thumb crushed against their bodies and shook the whole building.
“Dude this is so awesome! We’re part of a huge, living bass guitar!” Brad screamed.
Johnny stood up and yelled, “Wicked wild bass solo mon!”
He slapped Brad and his friends silly while tearing up the bass solo. Smoke started pouring from the guitar and the sheet rock began crumbling off the walls.
“Play my face Johnny! Play my face!” Brad cried out.
Johnny lifted the guitar up and started slapping Brad’s face. The walls continued crumbling around them as Johnny played with more intensity. The crowd outside was forced further away from the building and the National Guard were circling helicopters above.
Inside Johnny Big Thumb picked the bass up over his head and began smashing it into the stage. Over and over he smashed it sending guitar pieces and Brad’s friends flying.
The building crumbled around them as fireworks shot off from inside. A huge burst of white light overtook the building sending Johnny, Brad, and his friends into the atmosphere on a flock of swans.
They ended up in God’s living room where he was watching tv and smoking a blunt. God looked at them and said, “You’re just in time. My favorite show is coming on.”
God passed them the blunt and put on his favorite show: ‘Bob the Atomic Awesomeness’.¹
¹ Be sure to click on Bob the Atomic Awesomeness to continue your journey.