Issue 5 – Love In A Bomb Shelter

“Why are we in your bomb shelter again?” Janet asked Alex.

“Oh, it’s because I have fleas in my bedroom.” Alex said.

“Right. Right”

They both sat there awkwardly on the couch of Alex’s bomb shelter staring at the walls. Janet turned to Alex and said seductively, “So, tell me more about these fleas.”

Alex looked at her and smiled, “Well they’re really tiny and black.”

Janet moved closer to Alex and began stroking the inside of his thigh. “Mmm tell me more,” she demanded.

“Umm. They’re pretty itchy if you get them on you.”

She unzipped Alex’s pants and pulled his penis out and said, “I’m getting so horny. Tell me more.”

“They can jump like three feet.”

Janet started giving him a blowjob with her mouth. “Tell me more! Tell me more!”

“I kill them by crushing them between my fingernails.”

Janet continued blowing Alex and muttered, “I”m so itchy from being covered in fleas. Doesn’t that turn you on?”

Alex paused and answered, “Uhh…OK.”

Janet still on her knees stopped blowing him for a second and said, “I have a really bad itch behind my ear. Can you scratch it with your dick?”

“How am I supposed to do that exactly?”

“Just figure it out,” she demanded.

Janet turned around on her knees and Alex began rubbing his penis behind her ear.

“Oh my god that feels so fucking good!”

“It does feel really good,” Alex confirmed.

“Yeah, get rid of those fleas baby. Drown them in your jizz.”

“You want me to come behind your ear?” Alex asked.

“Fuck yea!”

Alex was getting closer to having an orgasm and yelled, “I’m so close! I’m about to drown those fleas!”

Janet turned around and bit his dick and said, “No you aren’t! What the fuck’s the matter with you?!”

Alex was confused and writhing in pain. Janet stood up and said, “You know maybe it’s better if I leave. I’m kind of really skeeved out about your whole flea fetish anyway.”

Janet walked out of the bomb shelter leaving Alex with his dick in his hand saying to himself, “What a fucking psycho. I love that girl.”

Issue 5 – Fart Gallery

Ben was arguing with the director at the art gallery yelling, “Why doesn’t it smell in here?”

“Excuse me? I’m not sure what you mean,” the art director said.

Ben started sniffing very loudly and said, “I thought this was a fart gallery! I expected it to smell like one!”

“It’s an art gallery sir. Not a fart gallery,” replied the director.

Ben turned to his girlfriend and asked, “Did you know about this? You told me we were going to a fart gallery.”

“Well I know it’s not what we hoped for, but maybe since we’re here we could check it out?” she said.

Ben’s face was turning red with anger, “No! No! Absolutely not. A fart can be art but art can never be a fart.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” his girlfriend said.

“Of all people I thought you would understand,” Ben said.

The director thought it was a good time to interject and said, “I would be happy to give you a guided tour of our wonderful exhibits.”

“Eat my nards!” Ben requested.

“I would love a tour,” his girlfriend stated.

Ben was not happy with his lady’s dissent and asked her, “What are you one of them now? What are you some kind of art turd now?”

She stood closer to the art director and said, “Maybe I’m just tired of going to fart galleries all the time. A girl like me needs some excitement and culture. Life isn’t all about farts. I’m a classy lady and I need to be treated like one.”

“More like a gassy lady and you know it,” Ben said.

“Well, I’ve grown up a lot since we’ve been here,” his girlfriend told him.

“Know what? Screw you Ben’s girlfriend!” Ben said.

“That’s all I ever was to you was Ben’s girlfriend,” she said.

“Yea? Well guess what?” Ben asked.

“What?” she replied

And then Ben farted. His girlfriend made a pouty face and asked sincerely, “Did you mean that?”

Ben spoke softly, “Well, yeah. I think I did,” as he slowly looked up at her with his sad puppy dog eyes.

Making eye contact his girlfriend said, “Get over here you silly butt farter.”

They embraced each other in their arms and she said, “Let’s go find us a real fart gallery.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Ben said.

As they were making their way out of the art gallery his girlfriend asked, “You didn’t shit yourself back there did you?”

Issue 5 – The Fist To Butt Way

Leonard’s mom walked in on Leonard fisting his butt and asked, “What, are you happy?”
“No, I was just thirsty but I didn’t feel like getting up,” Leonard responded.
“OK. Make sure you wash your hands,” his mom said.
She walked into the living room and said to his dad, “Your son is fisting his butt again.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” asked his father.
“Well, he wouldn’t be doing this if he never saw those videos of you from high school.”
His dad stood up and said, “Fine I’ll go talk to him.”
As he entered Leonard’s room he noticed Leonard sitting on his bed sniffing his fist. It reminded his dad of a poetry class he took one semester in college. It was then they made eye contact and Leonard screamed, “What are you looking at freak?!” Then stood up and asked, “What are you jealous?”
The next move was a bold one. Leonard dove on top of his dad knocking him down. Lying on top of his father Leonard started to shove his fist under his dad’s nose. He continued yelling at his father, “Why are you so weird?! Smell my fist!”
His dad tried not to smell it but couldn’t help it.
“It smells like butterscotch!” his dad exclaimed.
“I know!” Leonard confirmed and began weeping.
His dad pushed him off him and asked, “What’s your problem?”
Leonard sat on the floor crying and said, “I had gay sex with a butterscotch krimpet!”
His dad was relieved and said, “Last time you acted like that it was because you wanted a Playstation. So I wasn’t sure. Sorry.”

Issue 5 – Eyes Be Trippin’

Rod was walking with his girlfriend Heidi down the street when his eye fell out and landed on the ground. 

“Oh no!” Rod yelled. 

Heidi not paying attention accidentally stepped on it. 

“What the hell did you step on my eye for?” Rod asked. 

“Dude, life’s not that serious,” Heidi said. 

Rod was flabbergasted. “Not that serious?! My fucking eye fell out and you stomped on it!” 

Heidi was getting annoyed and asked, “How come you can never just relax?” 

“You’re right. I’m making a big deal over nothing. I mean I’m only missing A FUCKING EYE!” Rod explained.

“See there you go whining like a little baby again,” Heidi pointed out. 

Rod was confused and pissed, “Are you judging me right now?” he asked. 

“Am I judging you?! Of course I’m judging you! Your eye just fell out of your head. What kind of asshole lets that happen?!” 

Rod was taken back. “You really shouldn’t be judging me because of this,” he said. 

Heidi understood, “You’re right I shouldn’t judge you. I mean there’s nothing creepy at all about your eye falling on the ground while we’re out for a walk. Oh wait yea there is.” 

“You know you’re acting like a real bitch right now!” 

“Yea well you’re acting like a real cyclops right now,” Heidi shot back.

Rod was fed up. “I don’t know why I put up with this shit,” he blurted out. 

But Heidi knew why. “It’s because you’re a fucking douche. And you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go bang someone whose eyes don’t fall out of their head!” she said as she ran off to the closest bar. 

“Oh I see how it is!” Rod yelled. 

“Liar!” Heidi yelled back laughing to herself.

Isuue 5 – Armadillo Man

Dale couldn’t stop behaving like an armadillo. After all it was the only thing he aspired to be in life. He knew nothing was certain except the possibility of becoming an armadillo.

He would eat breakfast real sloppy like an armadillo. He would even change the channels on the television like an armadillo would. But one day he went too far and started playing drums like an armadillo. This caused his mother to spontaneously combust from the awesomeness.

People knew that watching him play drums like an armadillo could cause them to explode so they were required to sign a waiver. He quickly garnered a huge following. Fans everywhere flocked to his being.

“Armadillo man will you sign my brother’s exploded face?” asked one eager fan.

Another rabid fan gave Dale his girlfriend’s combusted intestines as a gift. Dale put it on and wears it as a necklace wherever he goes.

Time magazine voted him the most intriguing person in the history of cavemen. The cover page featured a photo of Dale in tight leather pants with no shirt on and his intestines necklace dangling from his neck. There was also a cheetah clawing at his left side and a Swedish bikini model clawing at his right side. And coming out of the crotch of his pants was a giant armadillo dressed as the grim reaper.

The headline read, “Armadillo Man. Making Motherfuckers Explode.”

Issue 5 – Land of Wax Chickens

In the land of wax chickens only the unmeltable survive. And Clive the chicken was not unmeltable.

He woke up and opened the French doors in his bedroom and walked onto the balcony. He took a deep breath of air into his chicken lungs and then called for his servant. A young chicken with Twinkies for curlers in her hair arrived.

“Yes, master what may I do you for?” she requested.

Clive began pecking at the Twinkies in her hair and said, “That is all. Be gone now Chickenhead.”

She became gone but not without arriving somewhere else. In front of a mirror. Staring at herself and the picked apart Twinkies in her hair. She shed a feather thinking of how sad her life had become. She hit the mirror with her wing and flew off in anger. That night she sat in her nest playing her guitar and hating her master.

The next morning Clive yelled for her, “Oh servant! It seems one of my eggs cracked on the kitchen floor. Would you mind wiping that up with your tail feather for me?”

She may have cleaned it up but she wasn’t smiling…on the inside.

That night Clive was in an important meeting in his office. She knew never to disturb him during a meeting but this was important. She pecked the lock and said to everyone in the meeting, “Let’s flock!”

She pulled out her guitar and started blasting chicken metal. The walls began shaking and one chicken’s toupee fell off his head. The metal was beginning to be too much and Clive’s face was starting to melt.

He said, “I picked a bad day to be a wax chicken. Garble. Garble. Garble.”

The sexy young servant had succeeded in melting her master’s face off with chicken metal. She flew off into the night on her metal guitar seeking to end injustice to all chickens. 

Issue 5


What to look forward to in issue 5 of Clit Mag:

Land of Wax Chickens

Armadillo Man

Eyes Be Trippin’

The Fist To Butt Way

Fart Gallery

Love In A Bomb Shelter

Growing Something In There?

Peter Pee Pee Face

Sock Puppets con Belly Button Lint

Heads Will Roll

Issue 4 – Smoking Zombie Gnome

Ed walked into the room to join his friend Kirk. Kirk was sitting on the floor smoking Catherine. Catherine had turned into a zombie and now she was being smoked and they were getting stoned. They were junkies alright. Addicted to the rotting flesh of the undead. 

Ed stared at Catherine and a tear dropped from his junkie eye, “She would taste so much better if her mouth wasn’t so penis heavy,” he said.  

Kirk looked at Ed and began throwing up violently. The puke continued to pile up on top of Catherine. Then Kirk threw up Russ from the auto shop. 

Russ was weird because he didn’t look like a Russ he looked like a Dale. Russ was in charge of coming out of people’s stomachs when they smoked too many zombies. He got the job when he found an ad in the paper looking for someone named Russ who looks like Dale and can come out of someone’s stomach. It wasn’t a job he loved it was a job he liked, and it would help him grow as a person. 

Russ had ambition, the kind that made him feel ambitious which showed by his glasses. Russ didn’t smell like ambition though. He smelled like someone just threw him up. He hated being judged but he knew it came with the territory. 

Russ took a hit off of Catherine and said, “Too penis heavy for me.” 

Ed shit himself and said, “Dude, I know!” 

Russ walked over to Ed and pried his mouth open and said, “Your turn.” 

Russ crawled inside Ed’s mouth and Ed took another hit off of Catherine. Russ was challenging to throw up, but Ed toughed it out and puked him up. 

After Russ was vomited out of Ed’s system streamers fell from the ceiling and music began playing. Russ lit a cigarette and began ballroom dancing by himself. Ed and Kirk both lay face down in a puddle of puke on top of a smoking zombie corpse.

Issue 4 – Carnie Fever


She wanted nothing more than the heads to stay on the lady. 

Karen had run the carnival for years, and for years the lady with four heads had threatened to remove her heads if she didn’t get a raise. The four-headed lady was better known to the public as Quadro Lady. And with winter fast approaching she would have to buy four winter hats which would cost money. Quadro Lady had been the main attraction for some time and felt entitled to bigger and better things. She demanded that Karen step down and allow her full control over the carnies. But Karen was not willing to relinquish such power. 

Quadro Lady slapped Karen in the face and said, “I’m going to remove these heads and laugh all the way to the grave as your carnival crumbles without me!” 

Karen heard it all before and said, “Here we go again. Just go back to your booth and be a good freak.” 

Quadro Lady walked away punching herself in her heads trying to loosen them up. Later that day Karen was walking the carnival grounds as the crowd began pouring in. She noticed Quadro Lady was not at her booth. Karen set out to track her down and apologize in an attempt to get her back to work. 

As Karen was searching she noticed the Fortune Teller leaving the Strongman’s trailer and heard loud screams coming from inside. Karen ran inside to find the Strongman standing on Quadro Lady’s neck pulling on one of her heads. 

“What are you doing?!” Karen asked. 

“I want my raise!” Quadro Lady demanded. 

Karen spit in her face and said, “Forget it!” She walked out of the trailer slamming the door behind her. 

“Well, what are you waiting for?” Quadro Lady said to the Strongman. 

The following night people stood in line for hours to witness the new main attraction: The Strongman who juggles human heads.