Issue 6 – Johnny Big Thumb

One night only, January 11, 2011, the only night Johnny Big Thumb would be in Brad’s hometown. Brad and his buddies had heard about the wonderful Johnny Big Thumb. But all they heard were rumors. They had never seen the Johnny Big Thumb experience in person.

Kids in school told many different stories as to what actually happens when you see Johnny in person. Some folks claim it’s the closest they ever got to experiencing God. Others claim it’s like rubbing pizza sauce all over your body and then making out with a breadstick. In either case Brad and his friends knew it was the moment they waited a longer than normal amount of time for. They decided to wait in line for the 3:07pm show. As they stood in line they watched as others were leaving after experiencing all that was Johnny Big Thumb.

“Oh man it feels like I don’t even have skin anymore!” said one man after his experience.

“Dude, that could be us! We could feel like we don’t have skin!” Brad said to his friends.

“That would be amazing! I always hated the way my skin feels!” one friend responded.

“I never really thought about not having skin,” said another friend.

“You’re stupid! You should be grateful Johnny Big Thumb can give you no skin sensations!” Brad yelled.

Another man ran out after his experience and screamed, ” I should have worn a bra!” and then threw up.

Brad and his friends stared at each other as the man staggered towards them. He tried to steady himself on their shoulders but collapsed as they all spread out. He continued throwing up in the middle of them.

“Don’t go in there! That’s the Devil’s playground! You  can’t undo it!” the man cried.

Another man ran out and yelled at the man puking, “Lightweight!”

“I totally hope I throw up like that dude,” Brad said.

“What if it’s too intense and our faces explode or something?” the one friend asked.

“You mean like your sister’s face when I pulled my pants down that time?” Brad asked.

Just then another person ran out and was missing a face.

“Ahh! My stupid face exploded from the intensity!” he yelled.

Brad and his friends were next in line to enter the Johnny Big Thumb experience. The ticket taker stood before them, “You four get in there,” he said.

Brad and his friends entered the room. There was a large stage to the left with a giant curtain pulled across it. A man guided them onto the stage and showed them to their seats. Only they wouldn’t be sitting. They would be laying down on their sides, on top of each other, attached to some strange device.

“This is so sweet!” Brad said.

Johnny Big Thumb took the stage and sat down behind Brad and his friends. Johnny grabbed one end of the device with his left hand and reached over the top of the device with his right hand and slapped Brad in his chest with his enormous thumb.

“This is how I slappa da bass mon!” Johnny Big Thumb said.

Johnny slapped Brad over and over and then alternated between slapping his other friends.

“Slapping da bass! Slapping da bass mon!” Johnny yelled.

His huge thumb crushed against their bodies and shook the whole building.

“Dude this is so awesome! We’re part of a huge, living bass guitar!” Brad screamed.

Johnny stood up and yelled, “Wicked wild bass solo mon!”

He slapped Brad and his friends silly while tearing up the bass solo. Smoke started pouring from the guitar and the sheet rock began crumbling off the walls.

“Play my face Johnny! Play my face!” Brad cried out.

Johnny lifted the guitar up and started slapping Brad’s face. The walls continued crumbling around them as Johnny played with more intensity. The crowd outside was forced further away from the building and the National Guard were circling helicopters above.

Inside Johnny Big Thumb picked the bass up over his head and began smashing it into the stage. Over and over he smashed it sending guitar pieces and Brad’s friends flying.

The building crumbled around them as fireworks shot off from inside. A huge burst of white light overtook the building sending Johnny, Brad, and his friends into the atmosphere on a flock of swans.

They ended up in God’s living room where he was watching tv and smoking a blunt. God looked at them and said, “You’re just in time. My favorite show is coming on.”

God passed them the blunt and put on his favorite show: ‘Bob the Atomic Awesomeness’.¹

¹ Be sure to click on Bob the Atomic Awesomeness to continue your journey.

Issue 5 – Heads Will Roll

Eddie was a chiropractor and he was adjusting the first patient of the day.

“How does that feel?” he asked the lady.

“Good,” she said.

“Ok I’m going to crack your neck now,” Eddie said.

As he was cracking her neck her head fell off.

“Eh. WTF,” Eddie said to himself. “Such bullshit,” he said as he stood with the patient’s head in his hands.

Eddie began walking across the room with the head muttering, “I hate this job.”

He opened a closet and dozens of heads began rolling out. Eddie kicked them back in and threw the head on to the pile slamming the door shut.

Eddie headed out to the main lobby and said to the secretary, “Clear my schedule for today.”

“Another head?” She asked.

“Yup,” Eddie confirmed.

His secretary had a concerned look on her face and said, “It’s hard to run a  successful business when people come in for an adjustment and their heads fall off.”

“I know. I just get so excited I can’t help it,” Eddie said.

The secretary began pondering and suggested, “Maybe you should try to meditate. And maybe light some incense in there.”

“You know I think you might be on to something,” Eddie said.

Eddie took a week off from work to meditate and when he returned he had incense burning in his office. It was time to put his skills to the test. His secretary watched as the first patient walked back for their adjustment. Moments later she went to go check on them to see how Eddie was doing. When she opened the door Eddie was standing there with the patient’s severed head in his hands. They both looked at each other and began laughing.

Eddie decided to try and adjust the secretary’s neck to see what would happen. As he was doing so she began to moan in pleasure. Afterwards she said, “Well my head is still on.”

“It had to do with that face you were making when you were moaning. It helped me focus, ” Eddie said.

The secretary smiled and said, “That’s the face I make during sex. I can’t believe it cured you.”

“I have an idea,” Eddie said.

Now when patients entered his office they were required to wear a mask of the secretary’s face that she makes during sex. This ensured no one’s head would fall off again. Eddie’s business was booming and his patient’s were leaving with their heads, but with a little less dignity.

Issue 5 – Sock Puppets con Belly Button Lint

“You wanna set fire to my belly button lint? That’s fine just remember I don’t know what happens if you inhale the smoke,” Jezebel said to her sock puppet.

The puppet grabbed a pack of matches and said, “They do this on Sesame Street all the time when no none’s looking. So it should be alright.”

“OK,” Jezebel said as she dug out her belly button lint and loaded it into the bong.

The sock puppet took a hit and said, “Uh, what’s my name again? Lemme shotgun this shit for you.”

The puppet took another hit and blew it into Jezebel’s mouth.

“Wanna watch some Heathcliff videos online?” she asked.

“Did I put my Voltron condoms away?” asked the sock puppet.

“Yea. Wait, no. Do you mean inside my vagina?” Jezebel responded.

“Is that a historical question?” the puppet asked.

Jezebel began sniffing and said, “Something stinks.”

“That’s just me. I’m dying. I think I overdosed,” the sock puppet replied.

“Oh man this is terrible with a lower case ‘t’,” Jezebel said.

She looked at the sock puppet laying limp in her hand.

“Shit,” she said. Jezebel called 911 and told them, “My sock puppet’s dead. What do I do?”

She listened and said, “OK,” then hung up the phone. Jezebel took her shoe off and put the dead puppet on her foot. She then started her own blog detailing what to expect when your sock puppet dies.

Issue 5 – Peter Pee Pee Face

“Peter, these christmas lights make me wanna piss in your face,” Peter’s wife Linda said to him.

“Really?” Peter asked.

“Yeah I don’t know why. But when I look at them and then look at you, I wanna piss in your face,” she said.

“What a strange phenomena,” Peter said.

“Do you think it’s because I’m Brit-ish?” Linda inquired.

“So that’s why you talk that way,” Peter said.

Peter’s daughter walked in the house and said, “Hey dad! Nice christmas lights. But they make me wanna piss in your face for some reason.”

“It’s only because you’re British!” Peter yelled as she walked out of the room.

The doorbell rang and Linda opened the door and signed for a package. The delivery man walked inside and began pissing in Peter’s face.

Peter seemingly not very surprised said, “Let me guess. You’re British too?”

Issue 5 – Growing Something In There?

“Oh Dylan you’re so crazy the way you wash dishes with total abandonment. I wish I was you,” Dylan’s main squeeze said.

Dylan slammed the sponge in the sink and yelled in her face, “You can never be me! Our fucking DNA is so different! Argh!”

“What if I knew a way to grow your penis inside of me?” suggested his main squeeze.

Dylan held a butter knife to her vagina and said, “Show me.”

They walked into the other room where she pulled out a small box she received in the mail. Across the front of the box ‘Sea Monkeys’ was crossed out and replaced with ‘Peniseses’.

Dylan looked worried so she said, “Don’t worry I’ll take care of them.”

“You better cause I don’t wanna be the one getting stuck taking care of your peniseses,” Dylan explained.

“You’re such a novice,” his main squeeze said as she dumped a bag of peniseses’ eggs into her vagina. “Look I just feed them this food they gave me like once a day and blow some air bubbles in there and before you know it I got a big ‘ol dong,” she said.

“It will never work,” Dylan said.

“Oh it will work and it will be less hairy than yours,” she said.

Dylan looked her dead in her lazy eye and said, “Kimpossible.”

A week later Dylan was eating a bowl of Cheerios when his main squeeze shoved her peniseses in his butt.

“No hair bitch!” she yelled as she pinned his head down on the table taking him from behind.

“What are you doing?!” Dylan screamed.

“I’m fucking you with total abandonment like how you wash the dishes,” explained his main squeeze.

Dylan opened his mouth and said, “That’s so funny cause that’s what I thought you were doing.”

Issue 5 – Love In A Bomb Shelter

“Why are we in your bomb shelter again?” Janet asked Alex.

“Oh, it’s because I have fleas in my bedroom.” Alex said.

“Right. Right”

They both sat there awkwardly on the couch of Alex’s bomb shelter staring at the walls. Janet turned to Alex and said seductively, “So, tell me more about these fleas.”

Alex looked at her and smiled, “Well they’re really tiny and black.”

Janet moved closer to Alex and began stroking the inside of his thigh. “Mmm tell me more,” she demanded.

“Umm. They’re pretty itchy if you get them on you.”

She unzipped Alex’s pants and pulled his penis out and said, “I’m getting so horny. Tell me more.”

“They can jump like three feet.”

Janet started giving him a blowjob with her mouth. “Tell me more! Tell me more!”

“I kill them by crushing them between my fingernails.”

Janet continued blowing Alex and muttered, “I”m so itchy from being covered in fleas. Doesn’t that turn you on?”

Alex paused and answered, “Uhh…OK.”

Janet still on her knees stopped blowing him for a second and said, “I have a really bad itch behind my ear. Can you scratch it with your dick?”

“How am I supposed to do that exactly?”

“Just figure it out,” she demanded.

Janet turned around on her knees and Alex began rubbing his penis behind her ear.

“Oh my god that feels so fucking good!”

“It does feel really good,” Alex confirmed.

“Yeah, get rid of those fleas baby. Drown them in your jizz.”

“You want me to come behind your ear?” Alex asked.

“Fuck yea!”

Alex was getting closer to having an orgasm and yelled, “I’m so close! I’m about to drown those fleas!”

Janet turned around and bit his dick and said, “No you aren’t! What the fuck’s the matter with you?!”

Alex was confused and writhing in pain. Janet stood up and said, “You know maybe it’s better if I leave. I’m kind of really skeeved out about your whole flea fetish anyway.”

Janet walked out of the bomb shelter leaving Alex with his dick in his hand saying to himself, “What a fucking psycho. I love that girl.”

Issue 5 – Fart Gallery

Ben was arguing with the director at the art gallery yelling, “Why doesn’t it smell in here?”

“Excuse me? I’m not sure what you mean,” the art director said.

Ben started sniffing very loudly and said, “I thought this was a fart gallery! I expected it to smell like one!”

“It’s an art gallery sir. Not a fart gallery,” replied the director.

Ben turned to his girlfriend and asked, “Did you know about this? You told me we were going to a fart gallery.”

“Well I know it’s not what we hoped for, but maybe since we’re here we could check it out?” she said.

Ben’s face was turning red with anger, “No! No! Absolutely not. A fart can be art but art can never be a fart.”

“That doesn’t even make sense,” his girlfriend said.

“Of all people I thought you would understand,” Ben said.

The director thought it was a good time to interject and said, “I would be happy to give you a guided tour of our wonderful exhibits.”

“Eat my nards!” Ben requested.

“I would love a tour,” his girlfriend stated.

Ben was not happy with his lady’s dissent and asked her, “What are you one of them now? What are you some kind of art turd now?”

She stood closer to the art director and said, “Maybe I’m just tired of going to fart galleries all the time. A girl like me needs some excitement and culture. Life isn’t all about farts. I’m a classy lady and I need to be treated like one.”

“More like a gassy lady and you know it,” Ben said.

“Well, I’ve grown up a lot since we’ve been here,” his girlfriend told him.

“Know what? Screw you Ben’s girlfriend!” Ben said.

“That’s all I ever was to you was Ben’s girlfriend,” she said.

“Yea? Well guess what?” Ben asked.

“What?” she replied

And then Ben farted. His girlfriend made a pouty face and asked sincerely, “Did you mean that?”

Ben spoke softly, “Well, yeah. I think I did,” as he slowly looked up at her with his sad puppy dog eyes.

Making eye contact his girlfriend said, “Get over here you silly butt farter.”

They embraced each other in their arms and she said, “Let’s go find us a real fart gallery.”

“That sounds wonderful,” Ben said.

As they were making their way out of the art gallery his girlfriend asked, “You didn’t shit yourself back there did you?”

Issue 5 – The Fist To Butt Way

Leonard’s mom walked in on Leonard fisting his butt and asked, “What, are you happy?”
“No, I was just thirsty but I didn’t feel like getting up,” Leonard responded.
“OK. Make sure you wash your hands,” his mom said.
She walked into the living room and said to his dad, “Your son is fisting his butt again.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” asked his father.
“Well, he wouldn’t be doing this if he never saw those videos of you from high school.”
His dad stood up and said, “Fine I’ll go talk to him.”
As he entered Leonard’s room he noticed Leonard sitting on his bed sniffing his fist. It reminded his dad of a poetry class he took one semester in college. It was then they made eye contact and Leonard screamed, “What are you looking at freak?!” Then stood up and asked, “What are you jealous?”
The next move was a bold one. Leonard dove on top of his dad knocking him down. Lying on top of his father Leonard started to shove his fist under his dad’s nose. He continued yelling at his father, “Why are you so weird?! Smell my fist!”
His dad tried not to smell it but couldn’t help it.
“It smells like butterscotch!” his dad exclaimed.
“I know!” Leonard confirmed and began weeping.
His dad pushed him off him and asked, “What’s your problem?”
Leonard sat on the floor crying and said, “I had gay sex with a butterscotch krimpet!”
His dad was relieved and said, “Last time you acted like that it was because you wanted a Playstation. So I wasn’t sure. Sorry.”

Issue 5 – Eyes Be Trippin’

Rod was walking with his girlfriend Heidi down the street when his eye fell out and landed on the ground. 

“Oh no!” Rod yelled. 

Heidi not paying attention accidentally stepped on it. 

“What the hell did you step on my eye for?” Rod asked. 

“Dude, life’s not that serious,” Heidi said. 

Rod was flabbergasted. “Not that serious?! My fucking eye fell out and you stomped on it!” 

Heidi was getting annoyed and asked, “How come you can never just relax?” 

“You’re right. I’m making a big deal over nothing. I mean I’m only missing A FUCKING EYE!” Rod explained.

“See there you go whining like a little baby again,” Heidi pointed out. 

Rod was confused and pissed, “Are you judging me right now?” he asked. 

“Am I judging you?! Of course I’m judging you! Your eye just fell out of your head. What kind of asshole lets that happen?!” 

Rod was taken back. “You really shouldn’t be judging me because of this,” he said. 

Heidi understood, “You’re right I shouldn’t judge you. I mean there’s nothing creepy at all about your eye falling on the ground while we’re out for a walk. Oh wait yea there is.” 

“You know you’re acting like a real bitch right now!” 

“Yea well you’re acting like a real cyclops right now,” Heidi shot back.

Rod was fed up. “I don’t know why I put up with this shit,” he blurted out. 

But Heidi knew why. “It’s because you’re a fucking douche. And you know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go bang someone whose eyes don’t fall out of their head!” she said as she ran off to the closest bar. 

“Oh I see how it is!” Rod yelled. 

“Liar!” Heidi yelled back laughing to herself.

Isuue 5 – Armadillo Man

Dale couldn’t stop behaving like an armadillo. After all it was the only thing he aspired to be in life. He knew nothing was certain except the possibility of becoming an armadillo.

He would eat breakfast real sloppy like an armadillo. He would even change the channels on the television like an armadillo would. But one day he went too far and started playing drums like an armadillo. This caused his mother to spontaneously combust from the awesomeness.

People knew that watching him play drums like an armadillo could cause them to explode so they were required to sign a waiver. He quickly garnered a huge following. Fans everywhere flocked to his being.

“Armadillo man will you sign my brother’s exploded face?” asked one eager fan.

Another rabid fan gave Dale his girlfriend’s combusted intestines as a gift. Dale put it on and wears it as a necklace wherever he goes.

Time magazine voted him the most intriguing person in the history of cavemen. The cover page featured a photo of Dale in tight leather pants with no shirt on and his intestines necklace dangling from his neck. There was also a cheetah clawing at his left side and a Swedish bikini model clawing at his right side. And coming out of the crotch of his pants was a giant armadillo dressed as the grim reaper.

The headline read, “Armadillo Man. Making Motherfuckers Explode.”