Issue 4 – My Arm Hurts

The only good thing about Nick getting stabbed in the face 36 times was that it was his birthday. That and he hated getting punched in the arm. His face would grow back, he was ok with that. He wasn’t ok with not being able to use his arm for a few minutes due to the excruciating pain of being punched.

It seemed so unnatural for someone to slug his arm with wild abandon to celebrate the day he slid out of a vagina. But he was beginning to learn about the oddness that lays not so deep inside the inhabitants of Earth. Nick’s friend Darnell was one of those inhabitants. He stopped by to visit. Nick opened the door and said,
“Hi Darnell.”

“What did someone stab you in the face 36 times?” Darnell asked.

“It’s better than a bruised arm,” Nick muttered as they walked inside.

Nick’s wife ran up to him and said, “Honey! Come out back we all have a big surprise for you!”

Nick’s friends and family gathered around to see the surprised look on Nick’s bloody face. Nick took one look at his gift and immediately started yelling “No! No! No!”

Sitting in the backyard in the glistening sun was a brand new Volkswagen Beetle. Then like uncivilized barbarians everyone began punching him in the arm yelling “Punch buggy red!”

Nick buckled in pain and screamed, “My arm hurts!”

Darnell being a good friend said “I’ll fix it for you” and started stabbing Nick in the face again.

A couple of days later Nick was laying in bed and his wife came up to him and said, “You know you would look pretty hot if it weren’t for all of those bruises on your arm.”

Nick tried to smile and said, “I know.”

His wife leaned over and said, “I’m sorry honey, I can barely hear you. What’s that? I think the cluster of stab wounds on your face got in the way again.”

Issue 4 – The Lovely Shantel

Shantel was in the passenger’s seat of Felix’s car at the top of Fist Fuck Point™. Shantel looked in the backseat and said, “Your used condom collection is so cryptic.”

“I’m like Leonardo da Vinci girl,” Felix said.

Shantel was still trying to understand, “So you just bang girls back here and leave the condoms as like trophies or something?”

“Nah girl. Those ain’t mine. They came off other dicks,” Felix clarified.

Shantel’s face lit up as if a light bulb came on, “Oh OK. I was gonna say, that would be kinda weird if they were yours.”

Felix put his hand on her face and said, “Baby I didn’t bring you to Fist Fuck Point™ to engage in philosophical conversations.”

Felix pulled off her pants and began the fisting ceremony. Shantel was in the middle of suffering when she noticed another couple having sex in the car next to them. The lady from the car got out and was getting ready to throw the used condom into the trash can.

Shantel asked Felix, “Could you unfist me for a minute?”

Felix said, “Whatchu mean girl?”

“I mean I want to make you happy it’ll just take a minute,” she said.

Felix unfisted Shantel and she made her way outside. Shantel walked up to the lady with the condom and said, “Yo girl let a sister get at that condom.”

The lady just stared at Shantel and said, “Uhh. What?”

Shantel snatched the used condom from her and waved it in the girl’s face and said, “Damn girl yo man got some hairy ass balls!”

Shantel strutted back to Felix’s car and showed him the used condom and said, “Look what I got you baby.”

“That’s a keeper. Throw it in the hairy ball section in the back,” he said.

“I can’t find it,” she said.

“It’s next to the scabies section.”

“Ok. Got it,” Shantel said.

Issue 4 – Dennis The Teenage Zombie

Dennis ran in the backdoor of his house in search of his mother. He was lucky to find her there baking her banana bread and even luckier that she was an orthodontist. Dennis just had his teeth punched in by the new zombie hitman in town.

“All I ever do is get my teeth punched in,” Dennis said.

“Well, that’s because you’re a zombie,” his mother replied.

She took one look at his teeth and like so many times before yanked on them until they straightened back out.

“You can’t just be eating people’s brains all day and not expect a few of those close- minded nuts to get upset,” she told him.

“You’re right, ma. It’s just that all I think about while I’m in class is brains. I can’t even pay attention because everywhere I look all I see human flesh,” Dennis said.

His mother seemed worried and reminded him, “You have to behave in school. Last week I got a phone call telling me you were gnawing on the back of some girl’s elbow during Ethics.”

Dennis was getting nervous and started picking at his rotten flesh.

“Be careful you don’t get any in my bread,” his mother warned.

As she said that a large chunk of his zombie flesh landed in the freshly baked banana bread. Dennis’ mother became irate and yelled, “Bad zombie!”

Dennis took his rotten flesh and his hurt feelings and charged his mother. She tried to defend herself but failed because she was a baker, not a zombie killer. Dennis sunk his teeth in her and tore her flesh apart before digging into her brains.

Moments later Dennis’ father walked into the kitchen to find his wife on the floor and Dennis sitting on the counter eating banana bread. The father stared at his wife and asked, “What happened?”

Dennis still eating replied, “I ate mom’s brains.”

His father looked at him with much disappointment and asked, “You didn’t eat all the banana bread, did you?”

Issue 4 – Harry, We Can Help

“Hey can you keep it down I’m on the telephone!” Harry yelled.
“Sir, you called me,” the operator replied.
“Not again!” he cried and slammed down the phone.
Jan and Betty sat in their cubicles staring at Harry.
“I have a feeling Harry has to take a massive shit,” Jan said to Betty.
“What makes you say that?” Betty asked.
“Well, he’s just acting so weird. Like how a giant asshole would act if it had to take a massive shit,” Jan explained.
“Do you think we should entice him to shit so he stops acting weird?” Betty asked.
“I think so,” said Jan.
Betty sent an email to Harry with pictures of people sitting on the toilet making different facial expressions. Harry looked at the message and then looked over at Betty with a confused look on his face. Betty gave him a head nod as if to say, “It’s all good. Poop it out brother.”
Jan and Betty walked over to Harry’s cubicle and began making farting noises with their mouths. Harry tried to ignore them but finally asked, “What are you girls doing?”
“Oh were just stretching our legs,” Betty said.
Jan dropped a pencil on the floor and said, “Silly me. How can I write if my utensil is all the way down there?”
Jan proceeded to bend over really slow in front of Harry.
“That’s some ass you have there Jan,” Betty said.
“I know I can shit for days with this ass,” Jan replied.
“Look at that Harry. Can you imagine how great it would feel to be that ass when shit comes flying out of it?” Betty asked Harry.
“You sound like my mom,” Harry said.
Jan stood up surprised Harry didn’t have to shit yet. She still had one last trick. Jan pulled a Slap Chop out of her vagina and chopped up an onion while simultaneously removing the peel. Upon witnessing this amazing feat Harry immediately shat himself and politely asked Jan, “Would you mind handing me a tissue?”

Issue 4 – Sponsors

Handful of Dirty Pubes

For years the practice of shaving man’s pubic hair has become more and more popular. Now one man has conducted an experiment by gathering the shaved pubic hairs of hundred of people from around the globe and releasing them into the wild.

The result is something beautiful and touching. Thousands of homeless birds have found a way to create nests out of these otherwise useless pubes.

Director T. Voltron takes us on an amazing journey in this documentary that shows how humans can impact the world and birds. Watch as sad homeless birds fly around searching for a place to raise their family only to be turned away at every nest. But when they find dirty used pubes resting on the moss their world suddenly changes.

Huge majestic bird nests are crafted from these hairs. The coarseness of the material provides great protection from predators and a warm place to call home. Don’t miss this extraordinary tale of hope and bravery this fall when Director T. Voltron brings you, ‘A Handful of Dirty Pubes.’

Unicorn Rabies

Tired of going out to the same old fancy restaurant all the time? You’re not alone. Now there’s a way to spice up your taste buds experience.

Unicorn Rabies is the perfect place to bring your next date. They’ll be more than impressed to see you’ve brought them to the hottest new spot on Earth. We’ve listened to thousands of your requests and we know you’ve always wanted to know what unicorns and rabies tasted like. We simply combined your wants and desires to create the most magnificent dining establishment in existence.

When you walk through the door of Unicorn Rabies you will have the option to not only choose which rabid unicorn you would like for dinner. But also the option to have your picture taken with it and made into a felt black light poster.

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Unicorn Rabies. Like silly bands for adults.

Ladies of the Night and The Exploding Heads They’re Attached To

Coming soon to a television near you. ‘Ladies of the Night and The Exploding Heads They’re Attached To’. A new reality show that keeps the hooker population under control in a fun and entertaining way.

We take your average hooker, give her some blow and shove a time bomb in her head. Our carefully hidden cameras watch as a client picks her up and prepares to get busy. Then we watch in anticipation as our cameras capture the reaction on the client’s face when the hooker’s head explodes.

An on-screen countdown clock allows you to be part of the action. Have fun counting down with your friends as you throw back a few cold ones. Keep an eye out for the hookers we picked from the pumpkin patch this season. These are the ones with larger than life heads which equals bigger explosions!

Each client walks away with a framed picture of their reaction to the exploding whore head. The funniest ones will be posted on our website and voted on for a chance to win ewok fur.

So be sure to stay tuned for what many are calling, “the most hilarious reality show since Intervention.”

Afrobotics

Here at Afrobotics we set out to end the boring era of non-stylish robots. How you ask? By creating the first ever robotic afro for your robot’s metal head.

With the purchase of our aquatic adapter you’ll be able to equip your robotic afro with a shark tank. Mean ass sharks swimming through your robot’s afro proves to the world that you’ve made the big time. When you’re feeding goldfish to the sharks in your robot’s afro think of all the people who aren’t doing that. Notice how inferior they appear.

For the history buff we have a special Gotcha package that allows you to replay the Lincoln and J.F.K. assassinations through your robot’s afro. Who’s on the grassy knoll? Let me zoom in on your afro and see.

Our newest feature allows bored psychology students to channel the ghost of Carl Jung through your robot’s afro. Watch as your robotic afro morphs into Jung himself to give you that added motivation you need to score an A+ on every paper.

At Afrobotics we’ll make your robot’s head better than yours. And we’re really good at it.

Issue 3 – Tall Dudes

“You’re so lucky to have full-grown men in your house. Just because my husband and my boys are midgets doesn’t mean they have to act like it. Get some god damn stilts and be a man. Make me wet by looking down on me and making me feel inferior. Reach for the gun on the top shelf when you think the mailman is hitting on me. Show me you love me in inches. I mean make some sort of effort to dazzle me. Let me know what the fuck’s going on on the other side of the shopping cart for a change. All I’m saying is don’t get pissed when I start hanging around the Globe Trotters locker room with my midget tits hanging out,” Gina said to her friend Jan after watching Jan’s husband choke slam her through a table.

Issue 3 – Koala Bears and Nursing Homes

Justine had a love for koala bears unmatched by anyone in her nursing home. Even though she was just nineteen she wanted nothing more than to be an  old, feeble dying lady.

That’s why her heart sank when the warden came in and punched her in the face with words like, “You’re too young for this game sister.”

Justine walked out of the facility defeated but remembered what she had done in order to live amongst the koala bears when she was in Japan. Eagerly she ran up to the thickest tree she could find and vigorously started sharpening her nails against it. Justine blew the dust off her fingernails to display ten razor-sharp weapons she called, ‘The Fingernails of Destruction with a Side of Destruction’.

With a smile on her face she took in her surroundings and noticed an elderly woman playing double dutch with two inner city kids. Justine paid the kids to get lost and drug the elderly woman into the alley.

Devastating howls were heard for miles as Justine skinned the elderly woman alive with her ‘Fingernails of Destruction with a Side of Destruction’. Her motive was clear now. Justine carefully fitted herself with the old lady’s saggy bag of skin and headed towards the nursing home.

She had a feeling of overwhelming completeness just like she did when she conquered Super Mario Brothers 1/Duck Hunt. She pulled out her little notebook and placed a check next to: Discover the Meaning of Life.

Issue 3 – Prison Nurturing

Ronnie was an overprotected inmate afraid to let his cellmate, Jackson, eat from the prison cafeteria. Instead Ronnie, believing Jackson to be his own young, began breastfeeding him in their cell.

He would force Jackson’s mouth onto his nipple and yell, “Suck my young child! Suck!”

On Thanksgiving Jackson was allowed to feed from both breasts while Ronnie poured gravy on his face. Soon things got weird. Jackson began losing weight at a rapid pace.

Ronnie was so confused he thought maybe somebody tainted his supply of milk poisoning his young. No it was not this. Not at all. It was malnutrition and scarlet fever. These would surely have ended Jackson’s life in due time.

But it was a large clump of Ronnie’s nipple hair that caused Jackson to choke to death.

It’s said that on occasion you can still hear Ronnie yelling out in the middle of the night, “Suck my young child! Suck!”

Issue 3 – Just A Broken Toilet?

Leroy was repairing his toilet when the whole thing exploded, shooting water throughout the entire bathroom. Leroy took a closer look where the toilet once stood to find the cause for such an explosion.

What he found was a a deep hole at least hundreds of feet below the Earth. Quickly Leroy ran to put on his mountain climbing gear and carefully made his descent down the dark passage beneath his toilet.

It seemed to be a never-ending hole then he began to hear loud clanging noises. As he drew nearer Leroy noticed what appeared to be a chanting of some sort going on. As Leroy attempted to push his head closer to where the noise was coming from his safety latch came undone and he tumbled to the bottom of the hole.

Leroy stood up and stared at a goldmine full of gold all around him. A thin man with a long white beard and round spectacles came to greet him. “We have been expecting you,” the man said.

Leroy still quite confused asked, “Who are you?”

“I’m the alchemist,” the man responded.

“Where did all this gold come from?” asked Leroy.

“What we do is take all of your human waste and turn it into gold,” said the alchemist.

All around, Leroy saw hundreds of men operating ancient machinery and chanting as they performed the necessary rituals to turn his fecal matter into gold.

As a child Leroy’s dad told him stories of a war taking place inside the Earth. A war between the aliens of RS11005B and the aliens of Earth. The aliens of RS11005B reached Earth when their pods landed deep inside the Earth instead of on it. The Earth aliens were sent to prevent them from ever reaching the surface. The government not wanting the human population to know about this, and send them into a massive state of hysteria, hid it from the public.

The alchemist’s role was to supply funding for the Earth aliens. This was achieved by using the fecal matter of millions of humans to turn into gold.

Leroy climbed back up that hole knowing that his shit was going to a good cause. The next day Leroy purchased a new toilet and switched to a high fiber diet to help his new friends.