Rafael had his eye on the woman of his dreams. She was small, hand-held and yellow. A beautiful state-of-the-art pencil sharpener.

Rafael was in love. For days he would just sit at his cubicle and peek through the cracks in the divider at this wonderful, sexy pencil sharpener. Everyday he watched as one after another guys would go up to her to sharpen their pencils just to get close to her. The more he simply sat there and did nothing but watch, the more jealous he became.

He needed to be brave, but boy was she intimidating. There was no way he could approach her with his old, dirty non-number two pencils. He would have to go out and buy brand new sexy pencils never before sharpened.

Rafael went home that night and laid in his bed dreaming of his new life with Mrs. Rafael Sharpener. He was going to let her keep her last name since that’s the main reason she gets work.

The next day Rafael showed up at work with a pack of brand new pencils to impress her. He stood up from his cubicle, wiped the drool from his mouth and began his journey over to meet the woman of his dreams. Each step brought him closer to the pencil sharpener as was planned. Finally, he stood face to face with her, and she was even more enchanting up close.

“Hey, how’s it going? Is it cool if I sharpen up this brand new pencil I just bought?” asked Rafael.

“Yeah, it’s cool. That’s what I’m here for,” responded the pencil sharpener.

Rafael entered his pencil inside her slowly and began turning her arm to apply a perfect point when suddenly a loud SNAP was heard. Rafael looked down and he couldn’t believe it. His blinding love caused him to lose his concentration and snap his pencil leaving part of it behind still inside the sharpener. Tears began to roll down Rafael’s face and a lump formed in his throat. Barely he could utter the words, “I’m…sorry.”

Then Phil, fucking Phil, reared his ugly head from the billing department and pushed Rafael aside.

“Here, let me see what’s doing. I bet I can fix it,” he said.

With a couple of bangs and a couple of clangs the rest of the pencil was free.

“Alright you’re as good as new sexy,” Phil said to the sharpener.

“Thanks. You’re looking pretty sexy yourself right now,” the sharpener shot back.

“Maybe we should be being sexy together like perhaps tonight around eight?” Phil suggested.

“Sounds like a plan hot stuff,” the pencil sharpener responded.

Rafael’s face sunk and he slowly shuffled back to his cubicle where he laid his head on his desk until the delivery man asked, “Where do you want this new copy machine?”

Quickly Rafael got excited in his pants and gathered as many papers as he could find. It was time to introduce himself to the future Mrs. Rafael Machine.


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